Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
