Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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