my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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