Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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