Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
