Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
