I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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