I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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