Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
