you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
