Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
