sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
