I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
