also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
