I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
