dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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