Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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