New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
