Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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