Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
