I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
