Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
