i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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