Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
