I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
