I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
