When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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