Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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