coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
