I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
