Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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