I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Me too!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
