I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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