my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
