I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
