there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
