The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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