I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
