yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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