Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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