Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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