I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Sober January is a disaster.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
