Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I didn't notice because vodka
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
