It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
