My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
