From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
