U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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