i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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