We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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