Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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