The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
